


When The Sun Sets

by Ghille_Dhu



Series: The Sun Series [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Blood and Injury, Consensual Sex, Depression, F/F, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Strap-Ons, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Verbal Abuse, Verbal Humiliation, self injury, sex as self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:55:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 18,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29950287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghille_Dhu/pseuds/Ghille_Dhu
Summary: When Janeway returns to the Alpha Quadrant, she finds her guilt has followed her home.
Relationships: Kathryn Janeway/Original Character(s)
Series: The Sun Series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2202750
Kudos: 2





	1. Prologue

They shot out of the Borg conduit and found themselves staring at the blue and green planet displayed on the viewscreen in front of them. Home. They had done it! Janeway started at Chakotay, his hand remained in the small of her back, frozen there. No one on the bridge spoke for about five seconds and then uproarious shouts and yells broke out. They were home, no more Delta Quadrant, no more being alone. She took a moment to gather her thoughts before moving away from Chakotay to lean on Tom’s shoulders:

‘Hail Starfleet Command Mr Kim.’

‘Channel open’ replied Harry. The smile could be heard in his voice. He had never given up hope that they would get home and whilst no one could say his simple optimism had sustained them, it had been nice to hear it amongst the more cynical opinions. Janeway stood back from Mr Paris, glanced round the bridge and said: 

‘This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the USS Voyager. We have come home.’

There was a pause and she felt as though the whole crew were holding their breath. 

‘Welcome home Voyager. We’re glad to have you back.’


	2. Chapter 2

In their newly allocated Starfleet accommodation B’Elanna and Tom had just settled the baby down for the night. For Tom, things had come together far better than he had hoped. Starfleet had been impressed by his designs for the Delta Flyer and had asked him to work on creating similar vessels. Although initially sceptical, following several test flights, they had even liked his adaptations around the controls. Apparently, he wasn’t the only pilot fed up with tapping panels. B’Elanna’s future was less clear but hopefully the final meeting in a fortnight or so would help clarify things. B’Elanna wasn’t saying anything but she really needed Janeway to speak to her skills and abilities and make Starfleet understand the value you would bring, but Janeway wasn’t answering. He knew B’Elanna was hurt. 

‘I know you’re thinking about it. Shall I contact her?’

‘Tom, I know you’re trying to help, but don’t.’ B’Elanna snapped

‘We’re a team B’Elanna.’

‘I know, I know. But we have tried to get hold of her for the past month.’ 

There was a pause before Tom continued:

‘That visit to her house was weird.’

‘Right! She just looked at us like she didn’t know us. And did she mean by ‘not today’?’’

‘No idea. Well she’ll be at the final debrief in a few weeks.’

‘I guess so.’

‘Maybe we should just whack her with a couple of Klingon pain sticks.’ Suggested Tom

‘Tom! Why only two?’

Janeway was sat in her new home in San Francisco, that still didn’t feel like home. She was meant to be preparing for the final enquiry into what had happened on Voyager and why some of the decisions that had been taken were taken. She couldn’t focus. She had had minimal contact with her crew, well former crew and the guilt she had carried for 70 000 light years about what she had done to them was only increasing. She had always felt guilty and had experienced bouts of guilt so severe she had to separate herself from the crew and hide in her quarters. However now, it was there all the time, interspersed with terrifying periods of feeling nothing. She shifted in her seat, she feared those periods. She tried food to make them stop, distracting herself with holonovels, books and music but this didn’t really work. It was a strange process; she would be feeling intense guilt and anger one minute and then it would soften away until she was left with nothing. Not a return to equilibrium. Nothing. She shook herself, maybe something to eat would help her concentration. She wandered into the kitchen, she knew she had a loaf of bread she had replicated earlier that day. She reached for the bread knife and as she picked it up the light hit it making a brilliant pattern across her bare arm. She stared at the pattern. She felt a sudden urge to trace this across her skin. She ran the tip lightly at first and then harder, following the lines made by the refraction. She didn’t stop until the pattern was complete. She looked down at it not really registering what had happened. It wasn’t until she saw the blood dripping on to the kitchen surface, did she really focus on what she had done. Some of the cut was barely a scratch, just nicking the skin, other smaller parts were open with the fatty layer of tissue exposed. She felt sick. She was shocked by what she had done, but she also felt elated. It had made her feel better. She was about to get a dermal regenerator but stopped short. She didn’t want to get rid of this quite yet. Instead she replicated some gauze and taped it carefully over the wound and went and sat down to prepare for the enquiry.


	3. Chapter 3

Janeway paced around the office that had been allocated to her. The enquiry wasn’t for another 15 minutes and she had already been waiting for what felt like hours. The knot in her stomach had been growing since she got up. Her biggest fear was they would court martial her out of Starfleet. Her stomach lurched as she thought of what some the reports contained. She honestly couldn’t remember what had been recorded and what had been kept off the record. Her very first decision as captain had been to destroy the array, if they told her that this decision had been wrong, she knew she would break. The only thing that helped her deal with the guilt was that she had no other choice. She ran her hand over her injured arm taking solace from the discomfort it caused. The door chime rang:

‘Enter.’

A spectacularly attractive Ensign stood in front of her. ‘They are ready for you now Sir.’ 

With a final lurch of her stomach, she got up and followed the Ensign to the boardroom they were using. The room, when she reached it, was largely empty except for a panel of four Admirals behind an ornate glass desk with a wooden lectern placed centrally in front of said desk. She breathed deeply.

_Showtime_

It wasn’t as bad as she feared. They questioned her decision to destroy the array but said that the circumstances were exceptional and that maintaining the balance of power in the quadrant and the safety of the Ocampa were laudable aims. It became clear by the third or fourth question that they were not going to issue a court martial, principally because a) the circumstances were unique, b) she was not an experienced captain and had had no one to guide her on anything and c) she had got the crew home safely. It was gratingly patronising that they excused her action due to inexperience, especially given Ramsey’s behaviour, but she let it go. The only thing they seriously reprimanded her was her behaviour towards Lessing. They told her that a formal reprimand would go in her file and would remain there for five years, unless there was a repeat of the behaviour, in which case this reprimand would be re-examined. The panel acknowledged that that a repeat was unlikely and that she had been working without a real break for years and that that stress was a mitigating factor. She was so ashamed of her behaviour; she couldn’t excuse it or explain it. Her thoughts and feelings began to go silent.

_Not now, not now. She had to get through this._

Fortunately, they had finished and only wanted to commend her for her efforts and the valuable information she had brought back with her. Her mind logged this particular information without hearing the compliment. They wanted the information Voyager had. Whoever had found themselves in the Delta Quadrant would have got the same information. This wasn’t anything to do with her. She left the room and went back to her office. The Ensign who had shown her to the board room was outside the door:

‘Sir?’

‘Yes. Hello?’

‘I just wanted to say that I followed Voyager’s story really closely and I like, so admire what you did.’

‘Thank you.’ She replied flatly.

‘It was incredible that you found your way home.’

‘What did you say your name was Ensign?’

‘Perera Sir, Tess Perera.’

An idea was forming. Not a good idea, but one that would keep away the emotional silence.

‘Well, Ensign Perera, what time are you off duty?’

’18.00 Sir.’

‘Why don’t we meet back here then and we can discuss all of my adventures.’

‘Thank you, Sir! That would be amazing’

She nodded her dismissal and Perera hurried off down the corridor. She had an hour or so to prepare. She went into her office and replicated a selection of bottles of alcohol and mixers. The office was a little blank, with minimal personality but it would have to do. She then left Starfleet HQ and went purposely back to her home which wasn’t yet a home. Once there, she showered and then meticulously styled her hair, she even put perfume on. She looked at the gauze over her arm. It was peeling off. She hadn’t actually seen the wound since the day she had made it. She stood naked in the middle of her bedroom unsure what to do. She could just say it was wound from the Delta Quadrant which was taking time to heal. As long as she didn’t actually see it, the lie would probably work. Old gauze, however, would not do. She peeled it back. The more superficial parts of it had more or less healed but the deeper parts were still obvious. This pleased her more than she cared to admit which in turn made her uncomfortable. To end this discomfort, she replicated fresh adhesive gauze and placed it over the remains of the wound. Happy that she would be able to explain this, she put on a fresh uniform and headed back to Starfleet HQ.


	4. Chapter 4

Ensign Perera arrived at 18.03. She was waved in the direction of the sofa which was against the wall facing Janeway’s desk. Perera accepted the drink that was offered and noted the generous measure. Was the Captain trying to get her drunk? She hoped so. Whilst she enjoyed her job, she was bored and nothing distracted Perera more than attractive senior officers. Perera watched Janeway swing herself on to the front of the desk, her legs hanging down and neatly crossed at the ankle. She could even sit on a desk elegantly. 

‘Did you want to talk about anything specific?’ Janeway asked

‘No, I just wanna hear about it Sir. As I said, I like really admire how you got everyone home.’

She listened as Janeway then gave her a broad outline of the seven years. Starting with the merger of the crew and ending with the Borg conduit. She peppered the account with some amusing anecdotes which Perera giggled at whilst never taking her eyes off Janeway. When she had finished, Perera said:

‘Sir, it sounds incredible. Frightening I’m sure, but incredible.’

Janeway smiled a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. 

‘Let me ask you about you. When did you graduate from the Academy? Janeway asked

‘A year ago Sir.’ Perera accurately predicted the next question would be about her age

‘I’m not sure how to put this delicately, but you must have been older than the average cadet.’

‘Yes Sir. I’m 30. I like, tried another sort of life first.’

Janeway was interested in spite of herself. ‘What kind of life?’

‘When I was a teenager, I never wanted a life with rules and responsibility and stuff. I wanted to be free. I didn’t wanna be accountable to anyone or even be very attached. So I just roamed the galaxy.’ Perera replied almost wistfully. 

‘You just, roamed.’ Janeway replied unconvinced. 

‘Yes Sir. I went everywhere on Earth first, then to any planet where I could find a ship that would take me, an occasionally ones where they like, weren’t aware they were taking me.’

‘You’re an adventurer.’ Janeway said. More as a statement than a question.

‘I guess so. But I didn’t have any focus. I just never wanted roots or to be tied down. In the end it became a life without texture or substance. So I came back.’

‘Going from the sublime to the ridiculous weren’t you?’ Janeway said with a half smile

Perera gave a grin. ‘I thought that serious rules and regulations would like, add the depth I was looking for.’

‘And does it?’

‘Surprisingly, yes. I enjoyed the Academy Sir.’

‘Another drink Ensign?’

Perera handed her glass back to the Captain and watched her tip another generous amount into it. Janeway then returned to her previous position and arched her back. Perera let her gaze linger in the places she knew it should. She thought she had sensed a certain flirtatiousness, it takes one to know one after all, but never had she thought that Janeway would actually flirt with her. Perera allowed the silence to settle whilst she examined the Captain. After this little show Janeway jumped off the desk and sat down next to Perera and rested her hand on the Ensign’s knee. ‘So, during your travels you must have met some interesting people.’

‘Yes Sir. I did.’ 

‘Tell me about the most interesting.’

‘The most interesting were a group I found on one of the colonies, I forget which, they were, very friendly’ answered Perera replied smirking to herself. Very welcoming indeed. 

‘Friendly?’ 

‘Uh huh Sir. Very, er, open to outsiders’

‘What do you mean I wonder’ Janeway said returning the smirk

Perera didn’t answer the question and instead turned to face her and rested her own hand at the top of Janeway’s thigh. She then lent in and whispered: 

‘What would you like me to do Sir?’

‘Just fuck me.’


	5. Chapter 5

Chakotay lay next to Seven on the grass in their garden of their home. He wished he could tell by looking at her what she was thinking but Seven wore her usual neutral expression. He rolled on his side:

‘What are you thinking about?’

‘The problem of the Captain.’

Chakotay sighed and tugged at his ear. Seven could never let anything go. ‘Which problem?’

‘Why she won’t speak to us? Is it because she was interested in you and doesn’t not wish to see us together?’

Chakotay sat up and began to pull tufts of grass out of the lawn. ‘We’ve been over this Seven. She hasn’t spoken to any of the crew. She wouldn’t even speak to Tom and B’Elanna when they went to her house. I have tried to contact her, you have, Harry has, the Doctor has and she hasn’t answered any of us.’

‘Then something is wrong. She must be damaged.’

‘I agree Seven. I think she is. But we can’t push her to mend it.’

‘Perhaps she would consent to some basic Borg implants implant. Regeneration may help repair her.’

‘No Seven. I don’t think that’s the answer.’


	6. Chapter 6

Janeway saw Perera a further three times after that. She asked her to dispense with the ‘Sir’ after the second time. She had never been a fan of the title and she really didn’t want to be called Captain. That brought her crashing on to Voyager’s bridge and she had been trying hard not to remember. The memories did not bring her comfort or pride, they only brought her guilt and the emotion was becoming overwhelming. She ended the affair, not because she altogether wanted to, but because she had to. She had arrived home after sleeping with the Ensign (they always met in her office) and normally this was a safe period. Sex acted as a vaccination against her emotions or lack of them. She had made a cup of coffee, real coffee, the one indisputable advantage of being home, picked up a book and sat on the sofa to wind down. It was a book she knew well but hadn’t read on Voyager, she was scanning the lines, when the text, for an instant, was different. The paragraph just said:

‘You should be punished, you should be punished, you should be punished.’

She shook her head and those words vanished and all she could see were the familiar lines. She snapped the covers shut and stared at the dust jacket. It was the same as it always had been. It wasn’t a different book. She reopened at the page and it was the same as it should be. Janeway was frightened. She knew fear, but not like this. Perhaps it was a message. She was not a woman given to mystical moments but right now it felt like the very fabric of the universe trying to get a message through to her. She needed to be punished. This time she consciously walked to the kitchen and got out a sharp knife. She pulled up her sleeve and swiped the knife hard and quickly three times across the upper side of her forearm. These cuts were deep and the blood freely ran down her arm and on to the floor and kitchen surface. She spoke allowed to the empty room:

‘Is that enough?’

Obviously receiving no reply she added a forth cut. Although not a sound could be heard, she felt that the universe knew the message had been received. She dropped the knife in to the sink with a clatter and went to the replicator for a bandage. She slept well that night. 

It was only when she saw Perera a few days later that she realised that she had to end it. These new injuries could not be explained away, and she did not want a conversation with, well anyone, about it. The break up, if that was the right term, wasn’t as awkward as she feared. She had told Perera that she had had fun, but she really needed to concentrate on work as she had seven years’ worth of changes to catch up on. Perera said she understood that she needed to ‘let off steam’ after those years in the Delta Quadrant. 

‘I hope you don’t think I was just using you. I genuinely enjoyed your company.’

‘No Sir.’ Janeway silently noted the return of the title ‘I never thought it was a long term relationship. It like, was fun. When you feel the need for another break, let me know, maybe we could have some fun again.’

Although the conversation had gone better than she had dared hoped, it did not bring her pleasure to recall it. For despite reassurances, she felt Perera had felt used. She sat at her desk and put her head in her hands. This wasn’t her. Okay, she had done a similar thing on Voyager, but that was on Voyager. Sometimes another ship in the night had passed her from the lower deck, it taken the edge off. She never knew if these crew members had ever told anyone. It wasn’t meant to be like this now. They were home. She was home. She pressed her injured arm against the edge of the desk. That was better.


	7. Chapter 7

Looking back she wondered if this might have continued indefinitely if someone hadn’t reported her. A pattern had developed, she would go to work, come home, then on some days cut, on others she wouldn’t. There was no pattern she could see. Sometimes it was to stop that awful feeling of stillness or overwhelming feelings of guilt. but other times there was no reason at all other than she felt that she should. She wished she could find a pattern, but it was getting harder and harder to focus. Her thoughts would run in to each other and she found it difficult to concentrate. She was making silly errors and worked longer and longer hours to compensate. So far she had kept work and her new habits strictly separate. There had been times when she had been tempted at work but reassuring herself that she could cut when she got home had eased the urge enough to allow her to maintain the segregation. It changed the day her former crew were summoned to their final meeting. It was supposed to be informal, a tying up of loose ends so to speak. 

They had gathered in the allotted room. She saw her crew, whom she hadn’t seen since they got home. She wanted to run up to them, but she held back. B’Elanna approached her and said something about not being able to see her. What was she talking about? B’Elanna hadn’t tried to see her? To counteract her confusion she spoke lightly to B’Elanna about how hard it was to find a single decent engineer around Starfleet HQ and her broken office door was driving her round the bend. 

‘What’s wrong with it?’

‘Oh, it just keeps opening whenever someone walks past. I’ve asked for it be repaired but it’s never going to be the top of anyone’s priority list.’

‘I could have a look?’

‘My chief engineer?’ Janeway asked in mock shock.

‘I’m no one’s chief engineer now, I think Starfleet probably think a door is about my security clearance level now.’

Clearly she wasn’t the only one Starfleet weren’t altogether happy with. B’Elanna started to say something else but the door of the room opened, and the crew shuffled to their feet. The meeting started off easily enough. A final thank you for everyone’s hard work under impossible circumstances, general explanations of the individual debriefs and where everyone would go next. An explanation to those who didn’t know that all Marquis crew had been issued pardons as their work on Voyager made any sentencing now unimaginable.

‘Unpopular’ muttered B’Elanna covering her words with a cough. 

However, all Marquis who had not been Starfleet trained had an open invitation to the Academy but would not hold any rank acquired on Voyager. All those who had been through the Academy would have to sit the exams related to their rank gained on Voyager. All Starfleet personnel could look forward to discussions about promotion. 

Following that final bombshell there was a wave of whispers and shuffling in seats. That whole conversation had clearly made everyone uncomfortable. They had been one crew and now they were being divided. The dedication of the Marquis crew members was not really being acknowledged. Janeway felt that they felt she had let them down. That she should have fought harder for them. The icy stillness began to settle in her stomach. The moment the Admirals stood to dismiss them she moved as quickly as politeness allowed to the exit. Once out the room she almost jogged back to her office. She didn’t have anything to use, shit why didn’t she have anything? She went to the replicator in the corner of the room near the sofa and asked for a razor blade. Walking slowly back to her desk she pulled up her sleeve and pressing down hard ran the blade over her skin. The relief was instantaneous. The blood was more problematic. There was more than usual, and she found it so hypnotic that she just watched it drip on to the carpet. She vaguely thought she heard the door open but by the time she looked there was no one there. She replicated bandages and cleaned the blood as best she could. If any automated cleaning system identified the blood, she would say she had had a nosebleed or something. It wasn’t enough to trigger any alarms. Once done, she sat down at her desk and continued the work she had started that morning.


	8. Chapter 8

Nechayev looked up from her desk as her aide, accompanied by Voyager’s first officer entered her office. She did not like Chakotay. She would have had all of the former Marquis arrested and sent to penal colonies, however, the mood was against it. They had essentially served Starfleet for seven years and had sacrificed their ship to save Voyager. Any punishment would have been too unpopular to be countenanced. But she didn’t like it:

‘Mr Chakotay, can help you?’

I’ll come straight to the point. I was hoping it wouldn’t be you, but apparently you are Captain Janeway’s commanding officer so I had no choice. I am aware you don’t like me, and to frank, I don’t like you, but I am concerned about the Captain.’

Nechayev set the PADD she had been holding down on the desk. ‘In what way?’

‘I have just walked past her office and the doors to that office open without any request which is how I saw.’

‘Saw what Mr Chakotay?’

‘She deliberately cut her arm. I would have spoken to her myself, but she hasn’t been speaking to me recently.’

‘And you know she did this on purpose how?’

‘I saw her take a razor blade and pull it across her skin. There was no one else in the room.’

‘I see. Are you certain that you saw this? You said yourself that she hasn’t wanted to speak to you.’

Chakotay felt his temper rise and quickly pushed it back down. Nechayev was not someone on he wanted to get into a fight with. She had a reputation for punitive responses. ‘If you are suggesting’ he said, far more mildly than he felt, ‘that I would make something like this up just for some kind of petty revenge then you are mistaken.’

‘I didn’t say that Chakotay. Thank you for letting me know. I will deal with this from now on. Your common sense should tell you that this is not something to be discussed with others. Thank you. ‘

Her tone dismissed him more than her words. He had hated going to her, but Kathryn had not answered any of his messages and when on the few occasions he happened to see her she had all but ignored him. He had been concerned before, but now, he was scared for her. He wouldn’t speak to anyone about what he saw, not even Seven.


	9. Chapter 9

Janeway was startled when a communique arrived asking her to attend a meeting with Admiral Nechayev . Was it for a further reprimand? No, that wouldn’t make sense, surely any telling off would be pre planned. Unless, and this thought made her break out in a sweat, someone had said something to someone after the meeting earlier. Maybe they had told the brass about something she had done which hadn’t been officially logged? She frantically scanned her memory, but the combination of adrenalin and whatever it was going on with her at the moment, prevented her from being able to pull anything to the surface. Her mouth felt dry as she made her way to where the meeting was to take place. She was ushered in straight away and found herself face to face with Admiral Nechayev and a science officer she didn’t know. Nechayev was one of her stronger critics. She made it clear from the beginning that she thought merging the Marquis and Starfleet crew a poor decision. And giving them positions which gave them access to sensitive information an even poorer one. Janeway noted at the time that she never provided a better solution to the one she had improvised on Voyager. But her views on the Marquis were well known, so it was hardly surprising she took the position she did. Shit, what did she want with her? And why bring a science officer with her? 

‘Captain, I called this meeting as a matter of urgency when a certain piece of information came to light.’ Nechayev clearly did not want this conversation so had taken an abrupt approach. 

Janeway said nothing to this. She had no idea what information the Admiral was referring to but didn’t want to give away her ignorance. 

‘I know today, the final briefing with your former crew may have been difficult and naturally the last seven years has had an impact on you.’ 

She still had no idea where she was going with this.

‘This is Counsellor Mallory. She is here because this matter concerns your health and your mental health in particular. I’m afraid I must speak very plainly about this. I know you and I have not always seen eye to eye, but this is absolutely nothing to do with that and I would say the same to any officer.’

Janeway felt her cheeks begin to heat. What was she going to say?

‘Several have voiced concerns about you since your return. Long working hours, mistakes in work, appearing very distracted have been some of the issues repeatedly raised by several officers. We all understand that what you have been through was extremely hard and traumatic and obviously will have an impact and no one is judging you at all. I feel that is very important to say. Adjusting to being back on Earth will take time. However, today, I was informed, that you were observed cutting your arm. You were seen in your office when the doors accidently opened when someone passed.’

She knew she should have got those damned things fixed earlier. 

‘So, Kathryn, you can see why we are worried.’

Kathryn? The Admiral continued:

‘I have allocated Counsellor Mallory to you and you alone. I have asked for her to see you daily for the next week, and after that, you two can discuss what treatment you think is appropriate. Rest assured; this conversation will go no further than those who need to know. I hope you get better soon Kathryn. You are a valued member of Starfleet and we are here for you.’

The Admiral rose to her feet and Mallory jumped up. There was a beat of silence and then Janeway followed. 

‘Right. I shall leave you two to talk’ said Nechayev. The admiral gave them a nod and left the room. Janeway immediately slumped back into the chair and ducked behind her hair. 

Mallory looked sympathetically at Janeway. What she had Voyager’s crew had been through was a lot and all without the backup of Starfleet. If their roles were reversed, she might have developed a few unhealthy coping mechanisms too. This was a woman who had been on her own for too long, she wouldn’t find it easy, she would try and make it easier:

‘I know this is awkward. It is always difficult coming to counselling but when it is sprung upon you, this makes it harder still. But you do understand why this has been made compulsory?’

‘No.’

‘You don’t think self harming is a reason to be concerned?’

‘No.’ Embarrassment was making Janeway taciturn. 

‘I don’t think you think that. From the very limited information I know about you, you spent seven years under unimaginable pressure and still go everyone home. You must be bright, resourceful and quick witted.’

Janeway said nothing to that, and the silence lengthened. Mallory knew Janeway was lying, but could understand the denial, but it was going to be difficult if she lied about everything. Mallory decided that establishing a timeline on the issue would be the most useful starting point, if the behaviour had started in the Delta Quadrant then it was understandable and Janeway may be looking for change, if it was new, then this, to her mind a least, was more concerning:

‘Was that the first time you have self harmed?’ 

‘Can you please stop calling it that. It wasn’t self harm.’

‘What would you call it?’

‘I wouldn’t call it anything.’ Janeway replied mulishly. 

‘What should I call it?’ Mallory asked.

‘Nothing.’

‘Well, I have to refer to it and I can’t leave a blank space when discussing it. Do you prefer the term cutting?’

Janeway shrugged. It was better than ‘self harm’

‘Was this the first time you have cut yourself?’

Janeway shook her head slightly. 

‘Can I see?’

Janeway hesitated but had an urge to show someone that she was following the directions she had been given. She had punished herself. She pulled her sleeves up. Her arms were now scarred all over, some parts were light scratches and other scars were larger. There were bits of gauze stuck to the skin in places and a large piece of gauze over the cuts she had made that day. 

Mallory was more shocked than she expected to be. If this was all after Voyager’s return Janeway had done some serious damage in a pretty limited time. She had sinking feeling that this was the case as the scaring, although extensive, was all fresh:

‘Before we keep going, I really think we should get someone to look at those. Some are very deep. A little dermal regeneration will make them more comfortable.’ Mallory said, deciding that a practical approach at first was required. 

Janeway looked up for the first time and offered the counsellor her best death glare. ‘No. No regeneration.’

‘I really think it would help.’

‘Who would it help? You?’ Janeway snapped

‘No, you.’

‘You’re wrong. It wouldn’t.’ Janeway muttered breaking eye contact and looking back down at the floor.

‘Okay. Not today. But will you think about it?’

Silence

‘When did you first cut? When you were on Voyager or when you returned?’

‘After we got home.’ Janeway replied quietly. 

‘Tell me what it was like when you got back.’ 

Janeway was so tired; she didn’t want to think about this. She stood up suddenly and Mallory leant back in her chair, startled by the sudden movement:

‘Counsellor. It has been very good to meet you, but I have lots of things to do, as I am sure you have too.’

‘No, I have only you as Admiral Nechayev said.’

Janeway ignored this last remark. ‘So, I have to go but, as I said, it was good to meet you.’

Janeway strode out of the room and back to her office, however she underestimated Mallory as a minute later the door opened.

‘It’s at least polite to knock.’ Janeway said without looking up.

‘We hadn’t finished out conversation.’

Janeway rolled her eyes when she saw who I was. ‘I had certainly finished the conversation.’

‘Captain, this isn’t going to go away. You cannot just dismiss me and hope I’ll forget.’

‘I outrank you. I can dismiss you.’

‘You are also under the same direct orders as I am.’

And this was where the Counsellor had her. She couldn’t refuse, and in all honesty, she didn’t entirely want to. She knew something was wrong, but she didn’t know how to fix it. She wanted things to be as before and for the constant cycle to stop. She didn’t know if this was possible, but she badly wanted it to be possible and for Mallory to make things better. But not today, she just really needed to go home.

‘Counsellor, I promise I will meet you in the morning, but I really want to just go home. This is not an easy conversation and I just want some space to think about it.’

Mallory acknowledged this remark with an incline of her head. ‘I completely understand. I will tell the Admiral that you needed the rest of the day off and will be back tomorrow. But I really do need to see you tomorrow.’ 

Janeway nodded her agreement and watched as Mallory left her office. She hadn’t been lying when she said she wanted to go home. She felt exhausted. On the one hand it was a relief in a way for her secret to be out but on the other she felt ashamed and humiliated to be forced in to counselling by her superiors. It was the same with seeing Mallory tomorrow, she wanted to as it was finally a space where she could just say whatever she wanted, but she was scared of what she might say. 

She left the office but didn’t go straight home. Instead, she wandered around San Francisco. It was nice to have no particular destination but to be able to simply spy a quirky little path and choose to go down it or stick to the main road and just feel part of the city. Her mind was able to go blank and it was glorious change from the constant soup of emotion she had been stuck in. Perhaps it would be okay, perhaps she could just attend the counselling and things would get better.


	10. Chapter 10

Even by the next morning she knew that the burst of optimism had been, well a little optimistic. She was exactly on time and she and Counsellor Mallory arrived simultaneously. She was ushered into the room and asked where she wanted to sit. She plonked herself in the chair nearest the door and examined the tree that could be seen out of the window. 

Mallory was pleased she had shown up. She had been worried she wouldn’t and that was not a conversation she wanted with the Admiral. 

‘I’m glad you came back Captain. How are you?’

‘Fine thank you.’ 

‘What did you do with the time off?’

‘I went for a walk.’

‘Did you cut?’

Janeway blushed but answered in the negative.

‘Good. I’m pleased you were able to do something nice for yourself.’

Mallory then spoke about how the sessions would be structured. She wanted to focus on ‘healthier coping strategies’ and the emotions which lead to feeling like she needed to cut which included finding new ways to remember negative events. Janeway was conflicted over this. Although she didn’t like the way she was feeling or acting she wasn’t sure she was willing to give it up entirely. She was acutely aware of what she had put her former crew through, and she felt she owed it to them to continue to punish herself to some degree at least. They deserved it after all. 

During that first week, she genuinely thought things would be okay. Although she didn’t answer all the questions Mallory asked, she had not felt the stillness return and hadn’t felt the need to become better acquainted with the kitchen knives in the evenings. She wouldn’t say she was enjoying the sessions, but it gave her the space to discuss, however minimally her feelings about being stuck in the Delta Quadrant. So it came as something of a surprise, when, during the final session of the week Mallory said that although she had engaged with the sessions to a point, that she had been reluctant to discuss her actual feelings and why she felt the need to harm herself and that they had reached a bit of an impasse. 

‘I know you are talking to me Captain, but you are describing events not how you felt.’

‘I’m telling you exactly how I felt! I said I felt that some of my decisions were not good ones.’

‘That’s an assessment not an emotion. Your first decision as a Captain was to destroy the very thing that could bring you home. Making you responsible for those years in the Delta Quadrant…..’

The Counsellor was still talking, saying something about the decision being the best of a bad set of options and others would have done the same, but she had stopped listening. Something very strange was happening. She felt that the world she was in was no longer real. It wasn’t an out of body experience, she couldn’t see herself, but she no longer felt she was in her body. She was detached from herself in a way she had never felt before. Mallory’s voice sounded very distant and she couldn’t really even hear her anymore. She must have silent a long time because Mallory asked:

‘Captain, are you okay?’

Janeway forced herself to look at the counsellor. ‘I’m fine. I’ve just remembered something I need to do, excuse me.’

Feeling for razor she had left in her uniform pocket yesterday, she walked briskly down the corridors. She needed somewhere no one would find her. Her office was too obvious, she considered the general bathrooms but dismissed them for lack of privacy. There was an office on the same corridor as hers which was being refurbished. Someone had thought that it was looking a little shabby so whoever had been in there before had been relocated whilst they painted and carpeted and did whatever else they wanted to do. It shouldn’t be locked, there was nothing in there. She went up to the door and pushed the panel. The door opened immediately. The room was full of decorating detritus, but the bathroom was untouched, and the lock still worked. She went in and pulled off her top. She then proceeded to cut from her shoulder to her wrist. Cut after cut after cut until her arm was so covered in blood the razor kept slipping. Only then did she sit down on the toilet. Blood dripped on to the floor and formed a small pool around the base of the lavatory. She still did not feel real. The world remained fuzzy like a malfunctioning holodeck. She didn’t know how long she had sat there but eventually she got up slowly and pulled her top back on. The only plan she had was to find somewhere quiet where she could think. Her ready room. No, she wasn’t on Voyager, her home, that’s what she meant.


	11. Chapter 11

From the moment Janeway left the room Mallory was concerned. She had clearly said something which had caused the Captain close down. She had seen it, like a shutter rolling closed. When Janeway had told her that the self harm had only begun after she arrived home Mallory knew that seeing her wouldn’t be enough. There was something else going on, and she didn’t think it was just the anti-climax of returning or dealing with the events which had happened. Mallory got the impression that Janeway’s guilt is what had driven her home and now she was home, the guilt was overwhelming her. Her drive had now turned in to self punishment. Mallory went to find her Commanding Officer Dr Lange. She found him in his office putting away his PADDs for the day.

‘Sir, can I speak to you a moment? It’s rather urgent.’

‘What is it Mallory?’

‘As you know I have been asked to oversee Captain Janeway’s care and I am deeply concerned about her. We were in the middle of a session when she just closed down and walked off. It was as though someone else had taken over her body. I am concerned that she is experiencing some disassociation and may harm herself.’

Lange sprang into action. Mallory had expected this, Lange enjoyed the limelight and would no doubt love to be involved in the Captain’s care. His seniority was probably the only thing preventing this at present but if things escalated, Mallory knew he would be the one pushing his theories forward and offering different treatment plans.   
It was Lange who called for security to help locate Janeway and it was Lange who had them position themselves by the door they knew she would exit from. 

‘Sir, shouldn’t we go to her?’

‘No, let her find us. She’ll feel more in control this way.’

Mallory’s forehead creased its disagreement, but she said nothing. 

Janeway walked slowly back down the corridor, past her office, past the oddly placed potted plant which simply served as a trip hazard and she was nearly at the exit when Mallory, another science officer and a security officer appeared.

‘Captain. We have been looking for you. I couldn’t find you and…’

Here Malory paused as she saw the blood covering Janeway’s hand. ‘This officer here is Dr Lange I was concerned when you left our appointment so abruptly, so I asked for his help. Will you come with us?’

Janeway looked fearfully at the security officer. Mallory caught the look and hastily reassured Janeway that he was only there as an extra person to help find her and he would be leaving now. Janeway allowed herself to be led back to the counselling room. She sat down in the seat she had been in, according to the clock, not half an hour before. She couldn’t understand what was happening, she could hear them talking but she was having difficulty processing what they were saying. She shook her head a few times trying to clear the unreality and focused on what was being said:

‘Captain, can Dr Lange have a look at your arm? We’re just a bit worried as you have some blood on your hand.’

She looked at her hand. She hadn’t realised. It was completely caked in blood. Slowly she eased off her top. The wounds had started to heal and were stuck to the fabric, but she barely felt it. Dr Lange knelt by the chair and gently held her arm.

‘It’s Kathryn isn’t it?’

She turned to him but didn’t answer

‘Kathryn, I would really like to have a look at what’s going on here, but I can’t see very well. Would you mind if I just washed your arm down with some saline?’

She continued to just stare at him.

‘It would really help.’

She nodded. The doctor briefly left the room and returned with a med kit. He then proceeded to wipe of the blood apologising when she flinched. Perhaps it was the doctor’s touch or just the stinging sensation from the injuries but with a rush, as though she was swimming out from a pool of water, the world came back in to focus and she whipped her arm away from the doctor narrowly missing smacking him in the face. 

‘Sorry, did I hurt you?’

‘No. I’m fine.’

‘I was just about to do a little dermal regeneration. You have several very deep cuts here and they may become infected’

Janeway glowered at Mallory. ‘I said no regeneration. Were you just going to let him do that whilst I was…’ 

Here she tailed off as she was unsure what to say, not in my body? Or caught in a broken part of reality? 

‘Not concentrating.’ She continued.

Both Mallory and the doctor raised their eyebrows ever so slightly. She hated them both. Now they were patronising her. She reached for her top and yanked it on. She hadn’t been so angry in weeks. 

‘And don’t patronise me.’ She growled.

‘We did not say anything’ protested Dr Lange.

‘Captain we weren’t, I promise you.’ Interjected Mallory rightly sensing that this could erupt into an argument, ‘but you have to understand it from our perspective. You suddenly closed down in the middle of a session, you leave that session abruptly, we cannot find you and then when we do you have injured yourself seriously and are moving and speaking like someone who is sleepwalking. Would you be concerned if you had seen a member of your crew act like that?’

She would have folded her arms but her left arm was painful to move so she had to content herself with frowning and moving her uninjured arm across her. She had never wanted to leave a room so much in her life, but she didn’t want the pair of them to start some full scale histrionics so remained seated and stared up at the ceiling. They all sat in silence listening to the rhythmic ticking of the clock. It was Dr Lange who spoke first:

‘Counsellor Mallory and I haven’t had a chance to discuss this yet, but I’m sure she would agree that the current treatment plan isn’t working. I think perhaps that we need to explore the pharmaceutical options available and maybe look at some more intensive talking therapy. Would you agree Counsellor?’

There was the slightest flicker of hesitation from Mallory before she replied: ‘I would.’

‘I think it we should use this time now to maybe come up with some ideas and then go from there? Captain?’

She ignored him. She knew she was behaving childishly but she couldn’t help it. She acknowledged that the counselling had helped but wanted it to carry on as it had. She saw no reason why it had to change and resented Mallory for forcing it and now of course she knew Mallory thought she was a fool, so she didn’t want to see her ever again. 

‘I think perhaps one of the mood stabilisation drugs would be a good first choice in combination with daily counselling sessions. Captain Janeway, do you agree?’

‘I don’t want any medication and nor do I want to see the Counsellor.’

‘This is of course your decision to make, but I will have to report this to Admiral Nechayev’

‘Go ahead’ replied Janeway waving her hand dismissively.


	12. Chapter 12

The next day, she ruefully concluded that maybe she was a fool. She came into work for 9.00 and found Mallory, Lange and Nechayev waiting for her in her office. She had spent the previous evening in such a state of acute anxiety about what Mallory would do that when she had finally fallen asleep on her coach at 3.00am she had had the most unsettling dreams that it felt as though she had had no sleep at all. Consequently, she was not feeling the most even tempered or alert.

‘Kathryn. We’re so pleased to see you.’ Said Nechayev. ‘Please have a seat.’

She couldn’t handle being called Kathryn at 9.00 in the morning when she had had no sleep. From Nechayev it would only mean a pitying ‘we are worried about you’ lecture. Also, she didn’t like being offered a seat in her own office! Nevertheless, she sat down behind her desk whilst the rest of the company sat on the sofa. They looked fairly comical as it wasn’t really designed for three people, it was probably good that she wasn’t in the mood for a giggle as no doubt she would have been accused of a failure to take things seriously. 

‘Counsellor Mallory came and spoke to me last night and we are all very concerned about what happened yesterday.’

It was mildly satisfying to be proved right even if she had no desire to be right. 

‘Dr Lange here has explained that you injured yourself quite badly and refused treatment. Is that correct?’

‘Yes Sir. The treatment part is correct’ Janeway replied. ‘I didn’t feel that any was required.’

Dr Lange interjected: ‘You don’t feel the injuries were fairly severe.’

‘Doctor, you would last five minutes in the Delta Quadrant if you find a few scrapes fairly severe.’

‘It wasn’t a few scrapes Captain.’ Mallory said softly. 

Feeling more in control behind her desk she simply stared Mallory down until the Counsellor looked away. The Admiral had clearly been watching this battle of wills for her tone switched to the tone she usually used when she disagreed with someone. Janeway knew it well. 

‘The Counsellor, Doctor and I have already discussed a treatment plan as you appear unwilling to do so. Firstly, you will meet with Dr Lange directly after this meeting to discuss medication. Secondly, you will accept his suggestions unless there are strong reasons against this. Thirdly, you will continue to attend counselling sessions with Counsellor Mallory daily. And finally, at 1600 today you will meet with Counsellor Mott. He has been assigned to see you at the weekend and be available to you out of hours. Is this clear?’

‘Yes Sir’ said Janeway with a sardonic tilt of the head.

‘And Captain? These are not suggestions. These are orders.’

Nechayev, who had stood up to deliver her orders now turned and left the room. Mallory then got up to leave and told her that she would be in contact to make an appointment time for today. Dr Lange remained seated:

‘Kathryn, as this is my area of expertise, not yours, I will tell you what I think is the best course of action.’

Janeway interrupted, ‘It’s Captain Janeway, not Kathryn, or if you prefer, Sir.’ She outranked the man, and she was damn well not going to have him speak to her like a cadet just because Nechayev had given him a little power.’

Lange blushed and a flash of anger passed over his limacine features. ‘I apologise Captain. But, this is still my area of expertise and not yours. When I want to get stuck in unknown regions of space, I will come to you.’

Lange paused, probably because he knew he had crossed the line but was unwilling to climb down or apologise. She had thought she hated him, but she now realised hate was a very weak word to describe her feelings towards the doctor.

‘So I’ll prescribe a mood stabiliser, which has been very successful with other patients who have your difficulties.’ Continued Lange desperately trying to wrap himself in the shreds of his professionalism. 

‘How frequently is the dose given?’ 

‘It’s daily. You would be given a hypospray with a month’s worth. You should see results in around three days.’

‘So I would take it at home?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then just give me a hypospray.’

She had no intention of taking it, especially coming from him but if no one was going to monitor it so how would anyone know? You can give all the direct orders you like, but no Admiral could make her do anything very much. Dr Lange asked her to come to medical at some point today and one would be issued. 

‘Yes Commander.’ She said looking down at the desk and picking up a PADD. 

‘And Captain, we are all trying to help you. I hope you understand that this is because we all want you to get better.’

‘I am not unwell Doctor but thank you for the sentiment.’

Dr Lange looked at her but didn’t comment further: ‘I’ll leave you to get on.’


	13. Chapter 13

The days began to roll together to the point she could barely distinguish them or remember another life. She would get up, go to work, meet with Mallory, work some more and then go home. She didn’t meet anyone in the evenings and no one called. Her weekend social life solely consisted of her meetings with Mott. She became convinced that Chakotay and the rest of her former crew were not contacting her because they were angry at her so she didn’t contact them. She felt like her only friends were the kitchen knives and the razor blades. She at least understood them unlike most of what was going on and they didn’t ask her impossible questions like:

‘How did you feel being the leader of the only crew in the quadrant?’

Or

‘Negotiating with the Borg must have been a frightening experience. How did you process that fear?’

She didn’t know how to answer things like that so she closed down further and only gave report like answers. The questions she found the easiest were the ones where she could just lie. Yes, she always administered the medication and no, she hadn’t cut. She had no idea whether Mallory believed her, in the unlikely event that she met herself in a therapy session, she wouldn’t believe her. No one had suggested reducing the sessions so she could guess that Mallory didn’t think she was ‘better.’ She wasn’t sure how long this could go on for before she snapped. There were days where she wanted to scream at Mallory, no words, just a single scream. Other days she just wanted to cry. She didn’t even talk to herself anymore, she had so little conversation these days that her own internal monologue had run dry. The only things she could think of were her own mistakes and faults and then she wanted to stop thinking about these things so she would drag a blade across her arm. It was a cycle she couldn’t see a way out of. 

She noticed, in an abstract way the seasons changing, the leaves turning from green to gold, the frost on the pavement on her way to work and after living in a synthetic environment for so long she thought this should have pleased her, or to have some response to it, but she didn’t. The world was feeling further and further away from her, something had to give. And it did.


	14. Chapter 14

She couldn’t have told you whey that day was different. Everything played out exactly the same as always. Mallory hadn’t asked her anything out of the ordinary and she had received no criticism of her work, nothing had changed. Perhaps that was the only reason, she had been spinning her wheels for so long that it was inevitable she would run out of fuel and sink in the end. She had had enough. That night, she had been unable to sleep, so she took the doctor’s drugs. All of them. She had at least three months’ worth and just kept administering doses until she could no longer do so because she was unconscious. 

She was told later that when she hadn’t come in to work alarms were raised. She had had a 9.00 meeting which she had failed to attend. When no one had been able to reach her Starfleet security had been dispatched to her home and they had found her in bed. Her pulse had been weak and slow and if they hadn’t found her when they did, she would have probably died. This news, delivered by a doctor at Medical, had not shocked or surprised her. If fact it barely registered. 

She remained at Medical for a week. Dr Lange and Counsellor Mallory had come to see her on the third day.

‘Captain, how are you feeling?’

‘Fine thank you.’

‘Really? You took a pretty big overdose and nearly died. That doesn’t sound like someone who is fine to me.’

She shrugged. She couldn’t be bothered to argue with him. 

‘Were you trying to kill yourself?’

‘No.’

‘But you took enough to kill yourself.’

‘So they tell me.’ 

‘It’s as though you wouldn’t have minded dying.’

She shrugged again. It was true, she wouldn’t have. 

‘I have spoken to Admiral Nechayev’ continued Lange ‘and you have now been placed on medical leave. It’s just for two weeks. We hope that a break from your routine and work will give you space to allow things to become more settled.’

‘I disagree Doctor.’ Replied Janeway. ‘I shall appeal the decision.’

‘That is of course your right, however, pending the outcome of that appeal, we want you to attend an out patients’ centre. This is run by myself and a team of doctors, nurses, counsellors and support workers. It runs from 0900-1700 daily with reduced session times at the weekends. We run lots of different support groups and activities to help all those Starfleet personnel who are experiencing mental health difficulties and require some intensive support.’ 

‘You are not serious?’ Janeway almost laughed, this was such an over the top reaction to a minor over dose, which she hadn’t really been committed to in the first place. 

‘I am very serious. And I suggest you start taking this more seriously Captain. People are becoming extremely concerned about your behaviour.’

‘My behaviour? What? We went through seven years of isolation Doctor. I think a bit of a reaction that is not ‘behaviour’, it’s just normal.’

‘I’m not going to argue with you about that here, but I want you to think about why you think trying to kill yourself and self harming are just normal reactions, even to unimaginable hardship. I’ve left you a PADD with some more information about the centre, have a read through and we will see you there once you have been discharged from Medical.’

‘I’m not going Dr Lange, I will win the appeal, so thank you, but no.’

‘Remember Kathryn, we aren’t your enemy. See you soon.’

She just sat on the biobed seething. She would not be attending that centre; she had just found a different coping method. It didn’t warrant being treated like this. She had gone from the position of having run her own ship for years, separated from the Federation and now, they just wanted her to get back in her box and do as she was told. Fuck that and fuck them. She twisted round and pushed herself off the bed and went to find a member of staff. She needed a computer. She would lodge that damned appeal. The staff in this place were very different to her previous experiences of Starfleet Medical. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being treated as something of an oddity. The doctor who had come to speak to her after she had woken up and said that they had been going to treat the cuts and scars on her arms but had been informed by a Counsellor Mallory that they could not do this. He had looked at her like she was completely mad. He also appears to be slightly scared of her as though she might start slashing at his arms. Everyone was perfectly polite but they all stood a little further away than convention demanded and whenever she was anything other than completely docile they started to discuss fetching Security. It had got to the point where she simply avoided talking to them beyond that which was absolutely necessary. However, she needed the equipment so she would have to put up with it. 

‘Captain Janeway, how can I help?’ asked a young nurse when she saw her walking down corridor.

‘I need a computer or access to one. I need to file a report.’

‘I’ll get someone to bring on to you.’

‘Thank you.’

‘You really should go back to your room.’

There it was again, that strangeness. She was doing no harm standing in the corridor and it would save someone having to walk all the way down. It was as though they were determined to limit everyone’s contact with her. As though to confirm this, it was Security who brought her a computer, why on earth did they think that bringing her something she had asked for required a phaser? It was a question she really didn’t want to think too deeply about, so she focused on writing her appeal. The basic tenant of her argument was that being at work actually helped and kept her focused and that forced idleness would only exacerbate any difficulties that Starfleet perceived. She couldn’t bring herself to write ‘illness’ or any other words connected to why they might think she needed a break so she stuck to phrases like ‘perception of me’ and ‘issues expressed my Counsellor Mallory’. As soon as it was done she sent it. Agonising over the things would not help. 

Janeway did not receive an answer until the fifth day she was in Medical. And it was in the form of a visit from Nechayev. There was a slight tap at the door and then the Admiral strode in:

‘No, don’t get up’ she said even though Janeway had not made the least effort to do so. ‘I have seen your appeal and thought I would come to speak to you in person. Firstly, how are you?’

‘Fine Sir.’

‘Good, good. Recovering well?’

‘I wasn’t ill Sir.’

‘Right.’

There was an awkward pause before Nechayev continued:

‘I’ve come to tell you your appeal has been denied. I have spoken to both Counsellor Mallory and Dr Lange and they gave me a precis of their meeting with you.’

Given the meeting hadn’t lasted more than about five minutes and she had barely uttered more than a couple of sentences, the precis couldn’t have consisted of more than about three words. As entertaining as it might have been to ask how long this precis had been, she felt it wiser to keep these thoughts to herself. Nechayev carried on:

‘They said, and I cannot find another way of saying this, and for that I am sorry, that although you denied trying to kill yourself, they do not believe that to be true and that this was a suicide attempt. Given this, it would wholly irresponsible to allow you back to work. Hopefully this time away will help you recover.’

‘I wasn’t lying Sir. Why do you accept their word over mine? I ought to know.’ 

This was her last ditch attempt to prevent having to attend the centre. It also had the advantage of being logical. Why was Nechayev just dismissing what she had said? Nechayev had the grace to look uncomfortable, but she only reiterated what she had said previously about needing time to recover. After the Admiral had left, in frustration Janeway threw a glass against the wall and used one of the shards to cut along her wrist. It wasn’t deep enough to hit anything vital but the amount of fuss the staff made you would have though she had sawn her own leg off. They made it very clear that they wanted her far away from Medical. She was going to have to go The Centre.


	15. Chapter 15

She had briefly read through the information the doctor had left with her. Uniform was not be worn and rank was to be left at the door. She was not looking forward to this, but at 0900 she pushed open the door of The Centre and was confronted with enormous sign saying:

_This is a place where we work to overcome our problems together, we are a crew without rank or hierarchy where we are free to say all that we need to and all that is said is left here. In the finest Starfleet tradition, we work to be free of things that hold us back and deny us the best we can be._

Quite a statement. She wasn’t sure how this would play out in reality if everyone could just say whatever the Hell entered their heads but there was something appealing about being at liberty to tell Dr Lange he was a massive idiot. She was unsure which way she was meant to go, so she just hovered in the foyer. She was staring at the sign when she felt a draft from the door opening behind her and heard a shout of laughter, she whipped round and found herself staring at Perera. She was rarely without words, but this was one of those occasions. 

‘Hello again Sir!’ Perera giggled.

Janeway pointed at the sign behind her.

‘You are right, hello Kathryn!’ this was followed by even more giggles. 

‘This is funny?’

‘Yep.’ Further giggles erupted from Perera. 

Ignoring this, she asked ‘where do we go?’

‘Follow me’

She just made out Perera’s answer among the snorts of laughter and followed her through the right hand side doorway and down the corridor to a large open plan room. There she saw a group of around 15 people. The only one she recognised was Dr Lange.

‘Great, we are now all here. We have some new members today, so please make sure they feel welcome. Right, shall we all sit down together for morning group?’

She shuffled over to a selection of different chairs, placed in a loose circle at one end of the room and sat down in rather saggy blue armchair. Once everyone had settled Lange clapped his hands together like an early years teacher and asked if they could go round the circle and introduce themselves and say briefly why they were there and what they hoped to achieve this week. 

Oh shit, this was going to be torturous. She was about eighth in line so had some time to come up with what she was going to say. So far, all she had was ‘I’m Kathryn’. They were moving down the line talking to someone named Yaxara, a Betazoid who was at a distinct advantage in a room full of people trying to lie. Well, she assumed they were, she was certainly trying to come up with ways to skirt the truth. They were moving closer and closer. Next to her a human named Pranav was describing his difficulties with anxiety and how he became so worried he was going to make a mistake that he was completely paralysed and couldn’t work. He felt that he had challenged a lot of his perfectionist assumptions last week, so this week we would like to find better ways to manage his anxiety. Dr Lange thanked him and looked expectantly at her, she leaned forward slightly and said:

‘I’m Kathryn and I was ordered to attend.’

‘Welcome Kathryn. Most people attend because they feel a need for change, I know your situation is different, but how do you think this group can help?’

‘With respect Dr..’ She was cut short by Lange interrupting her.

‘It’s Jon. Remember, no one has a rank or title here.’

‘Okay Jon, with respect, I don’t know the group so I don’t know what anyone here can do.’ She slumped back in her chair. That ought to do. 

‘Thank you Kathryn. Tess?’

‘I’m Tess and I think you ought to know Jon, Kathryn and I do know each other.’

‘Oh, thank you for telling me.’ He turned to Janeway, ‘it’s always good to say if you know anyone here so we are aware of any prior relationship and the history that may come with it. How do you and Kathryn know each other?’

‘We fucked. A lot.’

Janeway stared at her in astonishment. She thought she might mention that they had spoken, and she had been involved in some of the administration of a debrief but she had not expected that! This Centre really was anything goes. Jon was speaking again:

‘Kathryn? Is this how you would define your relationship with Tess?’

She hissed a ‘fucking hell’ under her breath, but she was never coy and to deny it or answer with euphemisms would be just that:

‘I think a lot would be stretching the truth don’t you Tess?’ she replied cocking an eyebrow at Perera.

Jon obviously thought this conversation would deteriorate, because he interjected with:

‘I think it’s important for you to tell Kathryn why you are here Tess.’

‘I will if Kathryn will.’

‘No Tess. Not today.’

Jon interrupted again. ‘Just so you know Kathryn, we don’t encourage intimate relationships between group members as they can be counterproductive to your recovery.’

‘Tess and I won’t be continuing any relationship Jon. There has never been one to continue.’

‘Ouch!’ giggled Perera.

‘Tess, I think you should tell Kathryn and the rest of the group why you are here.’ Said Jon firmly.

A slightly sulky expression crossed Perera’s still beautiful face. ‘Alright, I’m here because I was caught having sex with several other people whilst on shift. This was not the first time. They think I have an addiction to sex.’

Janeway raised an internal eyebrow to this but carefully kept her outward expression neutral. Perhaps Perera hadn’t felt used after all. Perhaps she had been just as much as a pawn in Perera’s game and Perera had been in hers.

‘Right’ said Jon, ‘thank you for being so honest Tess, perhaps this is something we can go back to tomorrow in our Positive Relationships Group. David, would you like to tell the group why you are here….’

The rest of the day consisted of different groups, essentially with the same aim, but using different approaches. On Mondays, art group was in the latter part of the morning and then after lunch there was a group devoted to improving self esteem and the day ended with relaxation. When the guided meditation had ended they were free to mingle socially or to leave. She knew which she was doing and walked quickly towards the exit. Jon, who must have seen her leave, caught up with her by the entrance.

‘Kathryn, how was your first day?’

‘Long.’

‘Yes, it can be tiring’ he replied plainly deliberately misunderstanding her. ‘Perhaps tomorrow you can join in the social, it can be good to have less weighty interactions.’

‘Perhaps.’ She echoed.

‘Well, we’ll see you tomorrow.’

She didn’t bother answering this and walked swiftly down the pathway. She couldn’t believe she had a further 13 days of this. She walked directly home, not wanting to pause in case she met someone she knew. Once inside, the nagging voices which had been rumbling all day, became louder. She listened to her own thoughts berate her for half an hour before agreeing to their suggestion. She went to the kitchen draw and got out the knife. She pressed down hard on her right arm until the skin opened. Then, in what was becoming a well worn routine, she got out the gauze she now kept in the knife draw and taped it over the cut. That would do for today.


	16. Chapter 16

By the Saturday she was starting to struggle. She had managed to evade and bat away any questions relating to why she was attending The Centre or what she wanted to achieve but it was exhausting and relentless and tiresome. She knew she just needed to get through these two weeks and then she could return to work, and hopefully end all contact with Lange and Mallory but she was starting to limp. At least the weekends had shorter sessions, only two hours. However, according to the timetable, they were basically free for alls where anyone could ask anyone anything. She sighed as she made her way into the main room and sat in her favoured blue armchair. It was Lange again today, he was there for most mornings but otherwise she couldn’t predict when he was going to show up. She always felt he was the most dangerous to her as he knew all about her and what had gone on before. Huffing, she settled back in the chair.

‘So’ began Jon ‘as you know, today is a shorter day, but no less important. The weekends, for those new to us, are open sessions where we are free to discuss anything. Who would like to start?’

Barely had he finished his sentence when Perera spoke up:

‘I would like Kathryn to explain why she is here. We have all been open about our issues and she has not afforded us the same courtesy.’

Janeway glared at Perera. ‘fuck you’ she muttered. Unfortunately for her, Perera appeared to have exceptionally good hearing:

‘You like, already have Kathryn. So tell us why you are here.’

‘I think most of us missed the first part of that, can you repeat it?’ asked Jon.

‘I said,’ replied Kathryn raising her voice several decibels above what was required, ‘fuck you.’

‘It’s a reasonable enough question Kathryn. I know you two have a history, so it maybe it’s helpful to ask the group if they would like to know why you are here.’

There was rumbling around the room of ‘yeps’ and yeahs’. Sally, a quiet group member who, if she recalled correctly, was diagnosed with an eating disorder, spoke up:

‘It took me a lot to come here and say why I needed to be here. I don’t think it’s fair that you get to opt out of what is a really hard process for all of us.’ 

‘I don’t have anything to say to that question. I’m not trying to opt out Sally, I just don’t need to be here.’

‘You said you were ordered to attend’ Sally replied quietly, ‘They only do that if they have to. I don’t believe you. You do know.’ 

Until today she had formed no view on Sally, in fact she would go so far as to say, she barely even remembered her, but now, she would have would quite willingly thrown her out the window. Jon was saying something about helping her talk about why she was here, but she was too wrapped up in her own anger at Sally to listen properly. She was brought out of her own thoughts by a smart tap on her shoulder delivered by Perera. 

‘Do you want me to help you say Kathryn?’ asked Jon

Janeway felt herself go red. She had felt less up against the wall when actually against a wall with Kazon firing at her: ‘Fine’ she gritted out. 

‘Kathryn is having a lot of difficulty acknowledging that there is a problem. She was referred here to help her to recognise the issue.’ He looked at her to take the cue, but she remained mute, staring at the floor. ‘Kathryn has been self harming and has taken a near fatal overdose. Would you like to take over now? It’s important we hear this from you.’

‘What’s to say? Apparently, I am no longer good enough for Starfleet.’

‘I don’t think that’s what anyone is saying’ said Sally softly ‘by referring you here, they do think that you are good enough for Starfleet. They want you back. Coming here isn’t an attempt to make you suffer. It’s that they see you are in difficulty and want to support you.’

‘I am not in difficulty.’

‘You know you are.’ Said the now positively verbose Sally. ‘I don’t think you want to hurt yourself, any more than I want to starve myself. It’s a thing inside which has taken over. We are all in difficulty because the thing inside is louder than we can manage.’

Janeway gripped her arm tightly over her most recent cuts, twisting the fabric of her sweater to irritate the scabs. The tears she was scared would fall subsided and she was able to breath more easily.

Perera interrupted the silence:

‘Um, I don’t know how to phrase this without sounding crass, but when we were, er, together, there wasn’t a mark on you, except for that old work injury.’

Janeway looked at her like a strict teacher looks at a pupil who hasn’t been paying attention.

‘Oh.’ Perera said the penny dropping. ‘I have like just realised; you were lying.’

‘Yes Tess. I lied.’

‘Oh’ Perera said again unnecessarily and sat back in her chair and blew her hair out of her face. 

‘Why did you lie?’

‘Are you seriously asking why I lied about cutting my own arm to someone who I just met who I wanted to screw?’

‘Um, yeah.’

‘Because’ Janeway spoke slowly and careful as though speaking to a particularly dim cadet ‘I wanted to fuck you not talk to you.’

‘So, you like did want me?’

The atmosphere in the room had become so thick you could almost chew it. Jon cut through it with a sharp cough:

‘Tess, this is about why Kathryn is here. Not about your prior relationship. Please do not use this an opportunity to feed your own issues. We spoke about that last week.’

‘Sorry Jon. I’ll stop.’

They left her alone after that. People spoke about their weekend plans, people they would see, places they would go and some concern about being on their own too much. The group ended with Lange wishing them all a good rest of their day and that he would see them tomorrow. She left the meeting without bothering to say goodbye to anyone, she didn’t really want to see them when they were ignorant of why she had been made to attend and now she was just embarrassed. She was walking down the entrance pathway when Perera caught up to her:

‘Hey Kathryn, just wondering if you had any plans for the rest of the day?’

‘Why?’

‘’Cos I don’t. We would spend it together.’ 

‘You just completely fucked me over, why would I want to spend any time with you?’ She wasn’t even that angry, why she was there was bound to come out eventually, and she really didn’t care that Perera had basically asked her to articulate that she wanted to sleep with her, but she felt that it was expected of her to be cross.

‘What happens in The Centre, stays there Kathryn.’

‘I obviously am not so good at compartmentalising as you.’ Janeway replied.

‘Well if you don’t have plans, spend the rest of the day telling me what an arsehole I am then.’

‘Would it shut you up?’

‘Yep’ Perera replied with a grin

‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Look what happened before. I am clearly part of your problem.’

‘No one is part of my problem but me.’ Answered Perera shortly. ‘I can control myself you know. You are not like irresistible.’ 

Janeway knew where this was going and knew it was a bad plan, but she didn’t care. So she just smiled and answered, ‘that’s disappointing.’

‘Is it?’

‘Maybe a little.’

‘Are you flirting with me?’

‘No, no, no.’

‘It feels like flirting.’

Janeway pulled a face that she hoped fit somewhere between mystified and baffled.

‘Let’s go under that tree over there and discuss it.’ Said Perera with a smirk. 

Perera led the way round to the side of the building where a large Copper Beach stood, its branches spreading all the way to the low boundary fence on one side and the wall of The Centre on the other. Janeway stood leaning on the wall, one foot placed on the brickwork. 

‘So, you were saying that my charm and wit had their limits’ Janeway shook her head in mock disgust. 

‘Well, no one’s perfect’ 

‘So, would this afternoon with you, help me edge nearer to perfection?’

Perera crowded her against the wall. ‘It might.’ She then leaned in and kissed her. She just knew this was not going to end well and Jon had said that there were rules around sleeping with someone in the group. She broke the kiss:

‘We really shouldn’t do this.’

‘Why shouldn’t we?’ Perera asked grazing her teeth down Janeway’s neck.

Her breath hitched, she could carry on and tell her that this was not a supportive action or that they could probably land themselves in trouble, but she didn’t want to, she instead asked:

‘Are we going back to mine or yours?’

‘Yours will be nicer and I have housemates.’

‘Definitely mine then.’ She did not need an audience. She started to leave but Perera pushed her back against the wall and kissed her again. Janeway felt Perera slide her hand down the front of her trousers. She gave a soft moan into Perera’s mouth and the hand was withdrawn.

‘Now we can go back to yours.’ Perera whispered into Janeway’s ear. 

They walked back to her house and before they were in the door Perera already had her hand down the back of her trousers. Janeway toed off her boots and allowed Perera to undress her. She was hesitant about removing her top and allowing anyone to see her arms:

‘Just don’t comment okay?’

‘I promise, I am concentrating on other things. I have been like thinking about this since I saw you in the group.’ Perera panted running her tongue down Janeway’s neck.

Janeway stepped back. ‘Have you?’

‘Uh huh’ 

She then grabbed Janeway’s hand and placed it over the front of her own trousers. 

‘Well that wasn’t there before’ she sniggered. Perera was wearing a strap on. ‘Have you been wearing that all week just in case I asked you back?’

‘Uh huh’ Perera said again.

‘And what do you plan to do with it?’

‘Like so many things, I have had all week to plan but to start with, I want to fuck you so hard you limp to group tomorrow.’


	17. Chapter 17

Working every weekend was not always fun but it was worth it. This programme has changed so many lives. It was not as famous as my work with survivors of the Cardassian War, but one day I hoped it would be. This clinic is something I built up from nothing. Starfleet were sceptical at first but I convinced them. Everyone here was grateful for the programme. Well, most of them. Janeway was a problem. I have an excellent record of making people better and getting them back on duty, but she was going to be a thorn in my statistics. However, I was determined to persevere, she had been through a well publicised ordeal and I felt it was my duty to make her better. Maybe even better than before. I don’t know how she made it to Captain when I remain a Commander despite all my celebrated work and praise. I am sure she is clever and driven but you need more than that to make a Captain. Also, to have developed all the issues she has now, can’t be just a result of the Delta Quadrant, she was probably very ill before she left. 

I wish they would give me access to her personal logs from when she was in the Delta Quadrant. They would undoubtedly prove she was unwell. But I don’t have clearance to see that type of information. If they only knew the type of woman they had in charge they would change their minds. 

I think I only noticed them because I was thinking about her. She and Tess round by the side of the building, Tess had her pinned against the wall and they were kissing. I didn’t stay to watch. This behaviour was unprofessional, and I don’t use this word lightly, disgusting. I don’t like my advice being ignored. They both know that this isn’t good for them and Janeway knows why Tess is here and should have stopped it. Janeway was riding rough shod over all my efforts with her. I will speak to her tomorrow and I will make sure Admiral Nechayev hears about it too.


	18. Chapter 18

Perera was not joking. When she woke up the next day to the loud trilling of her alarm, she was sore. She and Perera were a potent mix. Her head was thumping and her mouth felt like the surface of Vulcan. Coffee and water, that’s what she needed. She reached for the bottle next to the bed. Her stomach lurched when she saw it wasn’t water but gin. She didn’t want to see alcohol ever again. She placed the half empty bottle on the floor and kicked it under the bed and without bothering to put anything on, staggered down the stairs to the kitchen. She replicated a litre of water and a large mug of coffee and sat down heavily on one of her dining chairs. With a hiss of pain, she jumped up before lowering herself gingerly back down. It wasn’t until she had almost finished her second cup of coffee, did she feel able to piece together yesterday’s events. They had come back here, they had sex and at some point, they had replicated a ton of alcohol and then Perera had fucked her in every damned hole. Following some food and more booze, Perera had tied her to the banister and fucked her again. She looked down at her wrists, they were bruised and rope burnt. Shit, she remembered asking to be slapped, she really hoped she didn’t have any visible bruises. The rest of the evening was a blank. Her alarm sounded again. She was gathering the energy to get up and turn it off when the noise stopped and she heard the sound of someone walking on the landing. Was Perera still here? She couldn’t remember how the night ended, had Perera been in her bed this morning? Even through the haze of a hangover she was slightly alarmed that she hadn’t noticed if someone was in bed with her. She glanced at the stairs behind her and saw a fully dressed Perera descending them with the manor of someone walking around the edge of a cliff. 

‘I need a drink.’ She groaned

‘Help yourself’

Perera walked to the replicator and got herself a large glass of orange juice and then sat down on the chair opposite Janeway across the table. 

‘My head is killing me. How much did we drink?’

‘Enough that I can’t remember a lot of last night.’

‘Errrrrr, what’s the time?’ Perera who had been resting her head in her hands glanced up at the clock and then looked at Janeway:

‘Fuck Kathryn, you need to look in a mirror, you look like crap and we have to be at The Centre in 20 minutes.’ She said without the slightest sense of urgency. ‘You also might want to wear some clothes.’

‘Fuck you.’ Replied Kathryn and got up and dragged herself up the stairs and into her room. She pulled on the nearest clothes she could find and raked a comb through her hair. She wasn’t going to even look in the mirror, it was only because she had a full length mirror positioned by the bedroom door that she even noticed the bruise, with its distinct finger pattern, she had across one cheek. 

Crap

She hastily went over to the dressing table and found an old tube of foundation and rubbed it over her face hoping it would be enough to cover it. She was still blending it when she arrived back down in the kitchen. She downed the last of her water:

‘You ready to leave?’

‘Yeah’

It only took about 15 minutes to walk to The Centre, but they had left late, and neither were in any state to walk quickly. They didn’t speak for the whole journey. They arrived at the centre and walked into the main room together. It was only about 10 minutes past the start time. One of the other doctors was there along with Lange, did the man ever have any time off?

‘Sorry we’re late’ Perera said to the room. 

‘Please try to be on time, it’s rather rude to make us wait.’ Said Magda the other regular doctor present at the centre. 

Janeway’s usual spot was taken so she sank carefully into a space on one of the sofas next to Sally. The group started but she was just not listening. She was too old to get that drunk, her recovery time was far too long. She needed to go back to bed for a week. Perera she noticed managed to join in the conversation well enough. After the mid way break, where she managed to down another two cups of coffee, they settled back on to the sofas and armchairs and Lange started again:

‘Kathryn, you haven’t said anything today. I know yesterday was hard, is there anything you want to say?’

She shook her head.

‘Kathryn was last night difficult for you?’

‘What? No.’ She pressed her fingers to her right temple. ‘I have a slight headache that’s all’

‘You also have a bruise across your face. Did you hurt yourself last night?’

She gave a mirthless laugh, ‘no I didn’t hurt myself. This was a mishap.’

‘It looks like you have been hit.’

‘Look, I have a hangover. I was drunk and slipped. No, before you ask, I do not drink regularly and no it wasn’t because of what was said yesterday. I just fancied a drink, and I don’t often drink and over did it a little.’

He let it go and the conversation moved on. The remaining hour ground by and just as she was starting to have fantasies about going back to bed, Lange asked if he could see her in his office. As they were leaving the main room she glanced back and saw Magda approaching Perera. They walked back into the foyer and through the left hand side door to suite of offices. He opened the door to the nearest one and beckoned her to come in.

‘Kathryn. I think you know why I have asked to speak to you. You have been given every opportunity to engage with this group and you haven’t and in fact you disregard my rules and you disrespect other members of the group with your behaviour.’

Janeway was slightly blindsided by this attack. Jon had behaved very differently in The Centre to how he had in general and she was only just realising it was because they were never alone. Now she was on alone he couldn’t seem to help reverting to his usual unpleasantness. 

‘My behaviour Jon?’

‘You don’t need me to spell it out for you.’

‘I’m afraid I think I do.’

‘I saw you with Tess round the side of the Centre yesterday. You were told you could not continue a relationship and from what I observed you very clearly were.’

‘That wasn’t a continuation of a relationship Jon. As I said quite clearly to you, we have never had a relationship.’ 

‘Don’t engage in semantics Kathryn. You’re a Captain and should know better.’

‘And you are a Commander Jon and I still outrank you.’

They glared at each other across the desk. 

‘You may outrank me out there’ Jon said so softly that it the menace in his words could barely be heard ‘but in here, I am in charge. You must follow my rules and follow my advice.’

Janeway ran her hands over her face, which allowed her sleeves to slide upwards. John caught one of hands as she lowered it from her face. 

‘What is this?’ Jon asked nodding towards the bruised skin.

Janeway pulled her hand back and looked down at her lap. She didn’t want to talk about it. She was embarrassed by the entire situation with Perera and was having serious regrets about last night. Jon, sensing the change in her stood up and rested his hands on the desk probably attempting to take the stance of a disappointed teacher.

‘That looks like some fairly severe bruising around your wrists. I cannot talk to you about Tess’ history any more than Magda, who is speaking to Tess now, can tell her about yours. You are not stupid Kathryn, you a little of why Tess is here and you should also know that I am not stupid either and can put two and two together and make four.’

Janeway continued to look at her lap and ducked behind her hair so he couldn’t see her reddened cheeks.

‘Having sex with Tess is not going to help you on your recovery journey. I think you are using this relationship as a way to hurt yourself. I would also say that someone who has Tess’ issues and someone with self harming behaviour are a fairly toxic combination.’

This conversation was mortifying. If there was one person on the planet she wanted to have this conversation with less, she couldn’t name them. Wearily she replied:

‘I don’t self harm. I hate that term. It was just some ill advised sex.’

‘You need to listen to me Kathryn. You are some really thin ice at the moment. You need to stop this behaviour and behave like a responsible member of the group.’

Janeway stood up sharply and lent on her side of the desk so she was almost nose to nose with the doctor. 

‘That sounds like a threat Jon.’

‘It’s a fact Kathryn. You must follow my rules and engage or there is no point in you being here.’

Kathryn stepped back and threw her arms out. ‘Finally, something we can agree on.’

‘My life’s work has been trying to help people like you and you just don’t respect it. Getting lost in another quadrant doesn’t make you special Kathryn.’ 

Jon paused knowing he had gone too far again. He tried to recover: ‘What I mean is that what makes us all special is understanding and improving ourselves.’ 

‘Do you know what I think Jon? Firstly, I think you are desperately trying to come up with reasons to justify your own career. Secondly, I think that how I spend my time is none of your business and thirdly I think I am going to leave now.’

With that parting shot Janeway got up and swung out of the office. She was angry at Lange allowing his obvious dislike of her to cloud any professionalism and irritated by the temerity of his assumptions about her recent liaison with Perera. Who did he think he was telling how she could have sex and why did he dislike her so much? These annoyed thoughts brought her back to her front door. Damn it, now she was too irritated to sleep. She stomped about delivering a soliloquy to the replicator on Lange’s behaviour until she became too overwhelmed with exhaustion and plodded upstairs. She glanced at the shower but decided she couldn’t be bothered and just flung her clothes in a heap and pulled on the biggest t-shirt she could find and fell in to bed. 

She was awoken at around midnight by a persistent banging on the door and ringing of her doorbell. She stumbled downstairs and opened the door. It was Perera. 

‘Sorry, I know it’s late. But I couldn’t leave things like that. What did Lange say to you?’

‘Hello Perera.’

‘Sorry, sorry, I know. Hello. I needed to see you.’

‘Now?’

‘I couldn’t sleep. I was worried that Lange had told you off for seeing me.’

‘He did. I’m a big girl Perera. I managed to cope.’

‘What did he say?’

‘Just we were a bad combination and not to treat him like an idiot. Oh, and I’m not special.’

‘Magda said pretty much the same, but also that I clearly hadn’t reflected on my behaviour and the harm I cause to others as well as myself. They were not happy with me.’

‘Right. Is that all?’

‘You’re not upset?’ Perea asked, her forehead bunched in concern.

‘No. I don’t care.’

‘I was so worried I had landed you in a load of shit.’

Janeway was finding it hard to believe that this was the reason for Perera’s visit. Why would she be upset about Lange thinking anything very much. Perera clearly saw Janeway’s incredulity because she almost shouted:

‘They write reports for Starfleet. I guarantee that this will be included. It will detail how you are continuing your behaviour and now using other methods to self harm and how you are now using others to meet those ends.’

Janeway raised an eyebrow to this impassioned speech, Perera, now barely containing her annoyance moved closer until she was about 30 centimetres away from Janeway and spoke slowly emphasising every syllable:

‘You are not getting it Captain. Jon, Magda and the rest of the staff at The Centre have complete control about whether you return to work. They will say that this is an act of self injury. And yes, they will accept a continuation of behaviours but only if you raise them and discuss them yourself. You keep denying everything anyway and now….’

Perera stopped. As though she understood her audience was not listening and even if they were they were not going to understand the significance of the issue. She was wrong though. Janeway understood, but she couldn’t see a way though the issue. Although she was happy to lie through her teeth if it suited her she couldn’t bring herself to raise it in the group no matter how veiled, nor did she want anyone else’s opinion on it. To admit to this, would be to agree that her coping mechanism was wrong and she wouldn’t do that. She had a right to respond to those years in the Delta Quadrant in any way she chose. 

Perera was now shifting her weight from foot to foot as though she was about to break out into a jig at any moment and looking in any direction by hers. 

‘What is it?’ asked Janeway who had become irritated with this performance.

‘Can I stay here? I don’t want to go home.’

‘Fine. The sofa’s there.’

‘I don’t want to be alone.’

Janeway gave an audible sigh, ‘fine. But I’m going to have a bath.’

Once Perera was safely locked out of the bathroom, Janeway ran the bath and prepared a razor blade. She couldn’t see how she could convince anyone she could return to work and without that she didn’t know who she was. Lange had expressed on multiple occasions his dislike for her, he would ensure she was forced to remain at The Centre indefinitely. She was trapped. She allowed misery to wash over her. All the people she had lost, all those lives she had damaged and the loss of herself. She pressed the blade into her wrist and lowered her arm into the bath.


	19. Chapter 19

Gretchen Janeway opened the door to find two Starfleet officers at her door. Memories flooded back to when they had come to tell her that her daughter was dead. She brushed them away with a well worn broom.

‘Yes?’

‘Gretchen Janeway?’

‘Yes.’

‘It’s about your daughter Kathryn.’

‘What’s wrong?’ she asked reaching for her coat and bag on the rack by the door. 

‘She’s very unwell. She’s at Starfleet medical, we have been asked to ask you to come with us to see her.’

Gretchen’s hand shook slightly as she buttoned her coat. ‘I’m ready now.’

They were given a transport by one of the ships and were beamed straight to where Janeway was being treated. A doctor approached and asked to speak to her:

‘You are Captain Janeway’s mother?’

‘I am. No one has told me what happened. Was it an accident? What?’

‘I’m afraid it wasn’t an accident. Your daughter’ here the doctor paused and cleared his throat vigorously ‘your daughter tried to kill herself. She cut her wrists. Thankfully she was found in time and we have repaired most of the damage.’

Gretchen stumbled backwards and some kind person quickly put a chair behind her which she fell in to. ‘Kill herself?’

‘Yes. Um, when did you last see your daughter?’

‘Just after she returned to the quadrant. She seemed different but I assumed it was because she had been away for so long.’ A memory of the visit flashed through her mind. Kathryn had been different, distant, distracted and had pushed her and Phoebe away. She hadn’t known what to do so she had ignored it. And ignored her.

‘Were you not informed the last time she was here?’

‘No.’ Gretchen who had been holding her face in her hands looked at the doctor through her fingers. ‘She was here before? For the same reason?’

‘Um, yes. She nearly died. I apologise, not informing you must have been an oversight. I shall speak to the nurse in charge. I must warn you; she has been mentally unwell for some time and has been harming herself. The scarring is quite severe. She is currently being kept sedated to give her body time to recover from the blood loss.’ The doctor bowed his head sympathetically. He had been dreading giving this news from the moment Janeway had been brought in. Her mother was taking it far better than he would have and for that he was grateful. 

‘I want to see her.’ Gretchen said.

‘Of course, follow me.’

When Gretchen entered the room she was shocked by Kathryn’s appearance. She had gained weight from when she had last seen her, but it wasn’t that which drew her attention so much as deeply damaged skin on her daughter’s arms. Across every possible centimetre there was a scar at a different stage of healing. Some were barely visible lines of silver and others were angry, red and at least two centimetres wide. Gretchen had always considered herself a good mother. She had raised her daughters at times single handed when their father had been away on longer term missions and she felt they had become children to be proud of. Even at Kathryn’s memorial before they knew that they were stranded in the Delta Quadrant, she had felt proud. Now, looking down at her broken daughter she felt ashamed. She was ashamed that her first thought had been embarrassment. She was embarrassed that Kathryn had done this and embarrassed that it was clear for the world to see that she hurt herself. She didn’t know this Kathryn. Her Kathryn would never have done this. Gretchen knew she should say something, anything, but couldn’t bring herself to form the words. Kathryn was part of Starfleet, they would look after her. Kathryn wasn’t a little girl any longer, this was her bed and she needed to lie in it. She would write to her. 

Gretchen had only been in the room for about five minutes before leaving it. The doctors all agreed it must be very hard to see your daughter like that. Maybe she would see her another time.


	20. Chapter 20

Perera made her way over to the sofas in the main meeting room. There were some new people here this week and some of the old ones had gone. For the first time since she had agreed to come to The Centre she was glad of the space. Magda was going round the group asking for updates and introducing new people. She came to Perera:

‘I know you had a very difficult weekend Tess. Do you want to talk about it?’

‘I do. It’s probably going to come out really muddled but I can’t get the images out of my head.’

‘Start wherever you want to Tess.’

‘Okay.’ Tess drew her breath in as far as she could. ‘I went to Kathryn’s house on Sunday night. It was late. Like really late. I went there because we had been both been told off because we spent Saturday night together. Fucking. Anyway, whatever, that’s not important. She offered me the sofa and I agreed.’ This was a lie, but no one was gonna know and it didn’t really matter now anyway. ‘She said she was going to have a bath. I then wanted to use the bathroom, like half an hour later and she didn’t answer the door. I screamed and yelled and I got worried so I told her was gonna break it down and she still didn’t answer. I broke down the door and she was in the bath. Just lying there, I don’t know how she hadn’t drowned herself actually. The water was all red. I called for help and pulled her arms out the water. They said if I had been any later she would have died.’

‘That must have been very hard to see Tess. Just to clarify for the group…’

Tess interrupted, ‘yeah sorry, I wasn’t very clear.’

‘That’s fine Tess. I think anyone would find it hard to talk about. So just to clarify, Tess found Kathryn in the bath and Kathryn had cut her wrists and nearly died from the blood loss. That must have been a frightening experience Tess.’

Tess was chewing on the end of the draw string of her hoodie. ‘Yes’ she replied between chews. ‘I know I said that the fact we had spent the night together on Saturday wasn’t important, but I am so scared it was. I know this isn’t all mine to tell, but I like feel as it’s at least 50% mine I do get to say.’

‘Go on’ encouraged Magda.

‘I mean she agreed to everything, she even asked me to do certain things. But I agreed even knowing she hurts herself.’

Tess was looking down so she didn’t see who spoke, but someone said: ‘I know we are our brother’s keeper but people have free choice as well and she knows your problems. She could have said no too.’

Another unidentifiable person spoke up: ‘She’s responsible for herself Tess.’

‘But I was rough, really rough. I know it must have hurt her; she was bruised the next day. Of course she’s gonna be okay with me being rough, it’s why she’s here. I just should have thought, but all I was thinking about was what I wanted.’

A heavy silence sat over the room, until Magda finally said: ‘I agree with what others have been saying Tess. Whilst it would have been better for you to both realise that a relationship was perhaps not the healthiest thing for you, you both are equally responsible for you sleeping together. And Kathryn is really quite unwell, the sex for her may have been a way to self harm, but you are not what has led to her to want to die Tess. Perhaps you can use this experience as a way to push forward with your own recovery. This is a reminder that although we are here to support each other, we are ultimately here to work on ourselves.’


	21. Chapter 21

She knew it was coming, but it didn’t make it any more pleasant. Nechayev was there, as was Lange and Mallory as well as two other people, who were not in uniform, who she didn’t know. 

‘Captain. I’m glad to see you have recovered.’ Said the Admiral. 

‘Thank you Sir.’

‘I am here because Starfleet regulations demand a superior officer or chief medical officer give these instructions. Also, as your commanding officer I have an interest in your career as well as your welfare. We are very concerned about you. We have exhausted all the other options which I am told are suitable for someone with your nature of illness therefore we have decided that the best way to support you is to place you on medical leave. Here’s a PADD with the details. Normally you would have a choice of which rehabilitation centre you attend, however we have decided that you will be admitted today to The Bethlam Royal Infirmary. We have decided this as although it is a civilian hospital, it has close links to Starfleet and they understand some of the more unique situations that those serving can experience.’

Nechayev gestured to the two civilians in the room:

‘These are two staff members from the hospital who will give you the details of the admission.’

Nechayev stood up to leave. ‘I hope you get better soon Kathryn.’ She then nodded to the hospital staff and left the room. 

The two hospital staff started talking about the facility and the treatment they offered and what she would need to bring. Janeway interrupted them:

‘I am not going. I don’t need a hospital.’

‘Kathryn if you refuse we will use a Hold to make you. A Hold means we can detain you hospital against your will.’

Janeway rolled her eyes and began to make her way to towards the exit. The two staff members came up behind her so suddenly that she had no time to react. They informed her they were placing on her a Hold Article 31 (Ensuring Patient Safety Resolution 2365) and they requested a beam out.


End file.
